The “platform”

So there I was, ripping up the “platform” that a one Mr. XXXXXX XXXXXX (I’m not saying his name, because if he ever Google’s himself, he’ll see this. He knows where I live, afterall) “built” in the bedroom of the house I’m buying. I only know his name because his mail still comes to the house, and I found a few receipts laying around with his name on it.

This guy is dumb. Like a lazy, white trash kind of dumb. He may not be white, I’ve never actually seen him. But he sure is white trash. He was the last resident, along with his wife and their 2 children, of the house. He was renting it from his step mother, the actual owner. We are buying it from her. Anyway, he’s dumb. Also anyway, he was building this “platform” sort of as a way to divide the rather large master bedroom into 2 separate bedrooms, because the other bedroom was being turned into a half-ass “recording studio.” Rather then let his kids sleep in the other bedroom, he made them sleep in the same bedroom with only a curtain hung from the ceiling as a divider. And the “platform,” of course.

First off, he built the “platform” using 2×6’s that he nailed to the bottom baseboard molding that goes around the entire room. This molding is original to the house, and it goes around the whole house, over the doors, and matches the window sills. Now, it has big holes made from 3 inch nails scattered around the bedroom . Then, rather then create an effective front edge to the “platform,” he just puts strips of random scrap wood in front, as if he ran out of 2×6’s or something. Those are about the only new pieces of wood on the thing, so you would think he would have planned it out and got enough of the stuff since he had to go to Home Depot anyway. Nope, he sure didn’t.

Nobody wants your piece of crap platform!

Now, instead of using the same 2×6’s to build the beams going across the middle,

Why do people carry $100 bills?

Me: Hello. Its forty-fifty-seven ($40.57).

Some lady: Here. (Hands me a 100 dollar bill)

Me: I’m sorry, I can’t break this, I only carry $25 in change.

Some lady: Oh, but its all I have!

Me: That may be; but its monetarily impossible for me to give you the correct change.

Some lady: Ay Dios Mio! Hold on!

(Some lady goes back inside house. Random Mexican gibberish spews from inside house)

Some lady: Here, keep the change. (Hands me a 20, four 5’s, and 5 quarters).

Me: Muchas Gracias….HIJA DE PUTA!!! (in my head, at least)

Gilmore Girls

Lets suppose that I were to obtain season 2 of the Gilmore Girls. Not for myself, mind you (not that there is anything wrong with that), but for my household in general. Now lets assume that I touched it, and even opened up the front cover. Now we can stop assuming, because I found what I was looking for. “Your Guide to Gilmore-isms.” Apparently its “The 411 on many of the shows witty and memorable wordplays and pop culture references.”

Has anybody read this thing?

“Ab Fab -Reference to Jennifer Saunders’ brilliant creation, British comedy series Absolutely Fabulous.”

“Bob Vila – Host of This Old House home improvement program.”

“Chairy and Captain Carl – Chairy (a giant, plush, talking chair) and Captain Carl (one of the Playhouse gang, played by Phil Hartman) were characters on Pee Wee’s Playhouse.”

It goes on for about 18 pages in a book the dimensions of a DVD case, in a fairly small font, and theres even some simple drawings…like a drawing of Chairy in case you cant imagine what a giant, plush, talking chair looks like. Or your so un-hip and old (or young) that you’ve never seen Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, or heard about it, or even considered what it would be like to have Paul Reubens dress up in a grey suit with a red bow tie and act like a kid with seemingly unlimited resources, magical

The origins of “blog.”

I figured out what “blog” stands for. Its short for “Blogert”, the first name of the guy that invented the whole idea behind blogs. Finally the mystery is solved.

Sushi, at long last.

After years of avoiding sushi because it was to expensive or impractical, I have found the solution. Costco has good sized plates of a variety of sushi for $4-$6 each tray. Most excellent. Party on. Etc.