20 12 2006

I had a very empowering (impowering?) dream last night. Not that kind either, you pervert. It made me wake up extra confident, like I was in a personal hygiene commercial or, if a woman, a douche commercial. They don’t really have those anymore, do they?

Anyway, it started with me at my high school, approaching it on some sort of prom night, by myself. I had already consumed one or two beers. I wasn’t really planning on going inside, and fortunately my friends Velma and Shaggy were in the parking lot, in their car getting high. Yes, Velma and Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Apparently we were friends in high school. Just go with it. I had to in the dream.

So I identify myself as “not a cop,” and take up a seat in the back of the car. Its like an eighty something Toyota Camry. They have a bong/pipe that looks like a silver slide whistle, and as soon as I got in the car Velma put it away because we were leaving. I wanted to partake, but not while we were driving down the road, so I waited. We ended up going to a Chevron and getting gas, and probably some other stuff too. We then went to som Read the rest of this entry »

I’d say her name, but I don’t want people stalking her.

15 12 2006

This week, I only had two students. I had 3 two hour lessons with my new favorite worst student. When I picked her up for her first lesson on Tuesday, it was her first time driving ever. Yeah, one of those.

She picked up on things reasonably quickly, but she did something I think could be one of the worst, yet funniest reactions to a sudden scare.

We were driving up Blackstone, and out of nowhere all the traffic just stopped. It even surprised me. She hit her brake, I hit mine, and she squealed in terror. Also, she put on her right turn signal. Not like accidentally put it on, but reached over with her left hand and turned it on while we were in the process of stopping.

So we were sitting there, stopped in traffic, signaling for a right turn. I asked why she turned it on, and all she could do was giggle about it. Honestly, all I could do was try not to laugh at her face.

Also something of note, she ALMOST broke my right front wheel. She was pulling into a parking spot, the diagonal kind with those little individual cement barriers at the front. Instead of hitting the brake to stop the car, she hit the gas. We shot forward and came to rest in the dirt beyond the parking spot, leaving tire drag marks and everything.

Had she actually parked correctly and between the lines, there is no doubt that she would have hit that little cement barrier thing and completely broken the rim. Good thing she cant aim the car and ended up taking up to spots, insuring that the cement barrier passed under the car.

Damn ditsy rich girls. Damn them all to hell!

2006 Baby Names

14 12 2006

The Top 2006 Baby Names are in!

Is it just me, or are a lot of the girls names porn star names? I counted 27. Over 1/4 of the girls names already belong to porn stars. Others just sound “pornish.”

Congratulations, you are named after daddies favorite adult film actress.

Also, “Aiden, Caden, Caleb, Brayden, Hunter, Hayden, Chase, Parker, and Peyton” are not real names. They are made up. If anybody I know ever names any of their boys those names, they are no longer a person I want to know.

And why is my name #76 on the list? I wish it wasnt on there at all, honestly.

Partial relief

12 12 2006

The double play of spicy burritos did not work. However, a big, oily house salad from Sweet Tomato’s seemed to release some pressure.

Potential relief

8 12 2006

For the last few days, my poop bladder has been overloaded. If you’re not sure what a poop bladder is, it is the organ that stores poop until it is pooped out. I’m sure thats not the correct name, but it makes sense to me. It could also be called a “poop sac,” but thats silly.

Anyway, I can actually trace the exact moment of when this happened. I was with a student in the car, he was doing his practice test, we were driving down San Pablo by my house, and it hit. A sudden cramp in my taint, which I’ve never had before. But since that cramp, I’ve felt like I needed to poop constantly. Even after pooping, I still feel the need, but nothing will come out.

Today, I purchased a chorizo burrito from Alberto’s and a chile rellano burrito from Robertitos. I poured on the hot sauce, and ate. Quite delicious. They were so spicy, I started to sweat and my nose was running.

I’m going to take a nap now. Hopefully when I wake up, I will poop out EVERYTHING. At least everything that is made of poop.

I can already feel it brewing….

Cat Haiku. No, I’m not the author.

6 12 2006

You never feed me.
Perhaps I’ll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then —
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds —
your foot just squashed one.

You’re always typing.
Well, let’s see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What’s a ‘term paper?’

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes,
Fear vacuum cleaner

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, poop! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams;
My claws are not that sharp.

Happy Birthday Indeed.

4 12 2006

At long last, my birthday present has arrived. Now I need a car that is worthy of them.