Happy Birthday to Me

29 11 2007

I figured since tomorrow is my 27th birthday, I should spoil myself.

For a mere $75, I had a woman insert a well-lubed plastic tube into my rectum and massage my abdomen for 45 minutes.

Oddly enough, she had a college degree that allowed her to do this.

What I’m talking about, of course, is colon hydrotherapy, otherwise known as a “high colonic.”

It is true that most people carry pounds of unusable and toxic fecal matter in their colons, and no doubt mine is full of some of the nastiest fecal matter around. I thought it was high time I got rid of some of it.

So here is how it goes down:

First, you put on one of those cool hospital gowns with the open back.

Second, you get up on a table/chair (like in any doctors examination room) covered with sandwich paper.

Third, you put a well-lubed plastic nozzle into your asshole. Yes, YOU put it in, not the therapist. That has to be one of the weirder aspects. I suppose it wouldn’t be any less weird if she put it in, but still. I am confident in saying that I have never (safely) inserted anything into my rectum until today. Its some crazy stuff. For starters, its about the size of my thumb, maybe bigger. There is a certain way you are supposed to grip it, and it even has little holes and handles for your thumb, index and middle fingers. What’s strange is how I knew where my rectum was without looking. There was no mirror anywhere, and its not like I can twist around to have a look into my bum. Its a weird feeling to know instinctively where your asshole is, even with 2 and a half inches of white plastic guiding your hand.

Also weird is the overwhelming temptation to clench your anus closed, making it way more difficult to perform a smooth insertion, as you can imagine.

Fourth, you twist around onto your back, and lay there while COLD water is pumped into your colon through the ass-embedded nozzle. After water is pumped in, you get a neat belly massage, both by hand and a hand-held massaging device. Then, the water is drained out and the process repeated. The best part: You can watch the fecal matter go through the hydrotherapy “machine” because all the tubes are clear. Its amazing to see the chunks of food you don’t remember eating come out of you and pass through a clear tube 3 inches in diameter.

The highlight: a four inch piece of vegetable matter, probably lettuce. It looked like kelp floating through the tube.

After 45 minutes or so, the nozzle is removed. I was expecting the nozzle to get yanked out and be followed by a stream of liquid, but no. Nevertheless, the excess liquid needed to be removed.

You are told to go into the bathroom and sit on the toilet, putting your feet on this little stool that wraps around the bowl, so you are pretty much in a squatting position.

I figured some liquid would come out, and I was right. So I wiped, which took forever because of all the lube smeared about my inner sanctum, and got dressed. Halfway dressed, I felt what was probably the most intense form of…”needing to take a shit.”

Is there a proper medical term for that?

Anyway, I sat back down, and for about 10 minutes, the foulest smelling poo I have ever smelled was shooting out of my rectum and making surreal art at the bottom of the bowl.

Sometimes it smelt like baby food, sometimes like dog crap, sometimes like pure evil.

And with that said, stay tuned for Nicole’s birthday sandwich.




7 responses

30 11 2007
Joe Drinker

Well, happy birthday! I didn’t get you anything invasive…hope that’s okay.

I had a friend in college whose mom would force he and his brother to get these once every couple months. I guess she thought that if they were going to eat like crap all the time she was going to make sure it didn’t stay lodged in their twisty parts. In addition to these kinds of stories, one my friend made it back to our (not sure why he came to our place) apartment before offloading the last, uh, shipment. I thought we were going to have to move. Thanks for the smelly walk down memory lane.

1 12 2007

They had a Bullshit episode about this Jason, you should watch it.

1 12 2007

I’m afraid I have no way of watching that show, so you can tell me all about it through the art of comment.

3 12 2007
3 12 2007

While I do agree with Penn and Teller when they say that a “healthy diet” will keep the colon clean, I must say that my 27 years of NOT eating a healthy diet has affected my colon, and I’d like to to get cleaned out. I think that once the colon has been cleaned out it is possible to keep it that way without having the hydrotherapy again.

Two parallels between that video and my own experience….it was the day before my birthday and it was that dude’s birthday (close enough), and the lady that did my colonic also did step aerobics.

And the thing on the video that got inserted into his rectum…was huge. It was like a cucumber in the video. The one used on me was no where near that size, and after it was in I didn’t even feel it.

3 12 2007

happy belated birthday! i was just going to make a turkey burger for dinner, but after reading this, i think i’ll skip dinner LOL

3 12 2007

Serves you right for eating healthy.

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