Restriction gave me a cyst, Part IV

24 03 2008

So there I was, bent over an exam table, naked except for a t-shirt and socks, with my boxers around my ankles. I may or may not have had my boots on, I don’t recall.

If that isn’t a good way to start out a post, I don’t know what is.

The Doc injects my lower back with some Novocaine, I guess. It was probably some generic version, because I could still feel him cutting into the flesh with a scalpel. It didn’t hurt, but the fact that I knew what he was doing back there with a knife made me wince anyway. As he was slicing, I was curling my toes involuntarily in reaction to the sensation. Always the Sailor, he said “Do you always curl your toes when you are in pain?”

It’s an orgasm joke.

Anyway, as he was slicing downward, he must have hit a sweet spot, because I felt release.

No, that wasn’t an orgasm joke.

Do you know the feeling that you get when you pop a pretty well developed pimple? Imagine that, but to the extent that it actually makes a popping sound and has an odor.

Yes, the discharge from my cyst had an odor. It filled the small room we were in, and the Doc’s assistant actually had to leave the room before he threw up. It was pretty bad. I wish I could describe it, but the only comparable term that comes to my mind is “pilonidal cyst discharge odor.”

For a few minutes, he was compressing the area around the incision, forcing out as much puss and hair as he could. I remember the rather large pile of red and green stained gauze that had developed on the side table. After getting out as much puss as he could, I assumed he would stitch it up and send me on my way.

Click here for a rather graphic image of what it probably looked like.
No, that’s not my ass.

Now for a tangent: Isn’t if funny how the little address bar thumbnail for that image is the image itself?

Anyway, you can’t fix a cyst by sewing it up. It requires a more invasive technique.

He shoved a long strip of cotton gauze into it and secured a comically large bandage over the wound.

You see, a cyst that large won’t heal properly if you just close the wound. It needs to heal from the inside, so the incision needs to remain open to allow for drainage. Also, the incision needs to stay open so that twice a day for a week the gauze could be pulled out and replaced with clean gauze.

So, twice a day for a week, I had to go down to Medical, bend over the examination table nearly naked, and have “somebody qualified” remove and replace the gauze in the huge gaping wound right above my ass crack.

It got to the point where everybody in Medical, even the Dental Doc, had changed out my dressing and bandage at least once. And if they haven’t personally changed it, they have at least been in the room and seen my hairy ass a few times.

A few months later, I was down in Medical getting some sort of exam or shot that required me to strip down and show my ass (it wasn’t for the cyst, that had “healed” by then). HM2 Larry Love (obviously not his real name, but that’s what we all called him) was on duty, and HMC Whatshername was in the room (as she usually was, since it was her exam room).

By the way, HM is the Navy rating “Hospital Coremen” or something like that. Its a fancy term for “nurse.”

So Larry Love asks HMC Whatshername if she would like to leave the room, as I was about to strip down. HMC was a pretty cool chick, at least when she was drunk. Sober, she was kind of a bitch, but thats how most Navy women are in general.

Without missing a beat, she tells Larry Love “I’ve seen his ass before, just get it over with.” She went back to playing solitaire on her computer (I guess, it might have been Freecell), Larry Love did what he had to do, and I left Medical feeling a bit less dignified then normal.

EPILOGUE:

To this day, the incision isn’t really closed and the puss volcano under my skin is still active. About twice a year or so, it will swell up a bit and cause some minor discomfort. When this happens, all I can do (because of my lack of medical insurance) is squeeze the fluid out of the wound and squirt Neosporin® into the hole. So far, this has worked quite well.

So if you know what is good for you, don’t ever touch my upper ass crack.

Especially if your hands are dirty, because I don’t need another infection back there.

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7 responses

21 03 2009
Nicholas

I’m going throught the same thing, Mine’s about a week in but it’s already hurting and everything, I might get it lanced on monday. But this helped me not to worry, I just don’t know if your was hard or not, Mine is, and I get a bit freaked cause well, tumors can be hard, and all that. I over worry, but this blog helped me not to.

9 05 2009
Sarah

My boyfriend has this now. It started a couple of weeks ago. And now he has a half an inch hole where it was lanced. You mean to tell me this thing problably wont close, and continue to puss!

9 05 2009
MRoDT

From my experience, and from what I’ve heard from other guys, it takes a LONG time to fully heal. Mine hasn’t done anything in the last year, I’ve been lucky I guess. I first got the cyst in Spring 2003.

22 05 2009
Ausguy

Its not a cyst its a pilonidal sinis or something like that i had one that kept recurring a couple of years back its wear hair fallsout and digs into the skin forming an absis which unless you get all the hair surgically removed (which means getting a chunk of you cut out down to your tail bone and as long as 3 or for inches) it will keep coming back.

30 09 2009
Tina

That is HILARIOUS! I say that not without a heart, as I know that experience well- I had mine lanced and squeezed a few times, and finally had a “peach” removed from back there. I hope that someday soon you will be able to afford to have it removed!

11 05 2011
Anonymous

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15 11 2012
cc

I know that this will probably sound extremely simplistic, but have you ever tried cold-pressed castor oil? If you research it, it is a well known natueal healant. I firstread about its miraculous properties while searching for a natural way to help with cystic acne. Apparently, it is a cysts worst nightmare. I even read where a eomsn had been suffering from terribly painful ovarian cysts for months. The doctors told her that she woukd jyst simply have to ride it out and at some point, they should disappear on their own. She tired of the constant pain and interferance in her life and began putting cold-pressed castor oil on a rag and then a heating pad over it for 2 hours a day. She believes the heat speeds up the process. She said that for the first few days, there was a light burning where the cysts were but within 2 weeks, the cysts were completely gone. So, I began using it on my faceas part of the oil cleansing routine to help with 2cysts on my chin that have been there for precisely 2months. I have applied it 3 times now and the cysts are almost gone! I would give it a try. Also, my grandmother was a diabetic that had to have a toe removed. Thevwound did not want to heal and someone told her to usr raw honeybecause of its healing properties. It worked! She had suffered with the wound for 2 years and the honey healed it in 2 weeks. All I can say is that it is worth a shot! Sorry for the spelling errors, my phone id trying to lock up. Hope this helps!

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