Pissing for the DMV at a massage parlor

8 04 2008

The other day I had to go get a Department of Transportation physical examination done for work. I had to do it when I initially got hired back in the day, and apparently every two years a follow up is required. At least that’s what I’m going to assume, even though I know for a fact that either somebody lost my paperwork or never gave it to me, and I’ve been working without a valid DOT medical exam on file.

Oh well, I’m not the one that would have to pay that fine to the state.

The exam is basically a non-invasive physical. Read off an eye chart, get hit in the knee to test reflexes, repeat what the doctor whispered to you (hearing test), and so fourth.

This time, I had to give a urine sample as well. No big deal, I’ve given lots of those over the years, whether they wanted one or not.

Usually, when providing a urine sample, you are given a plastic cup with a lid and told to go fill it up. That’s pretty much standard procedure I would think.

So at the beginning of the exam, the doctor sits me down on a table…a massage table, by the way, not the normal exam bench thing. The place where my office sends us is a chiropractic/massage place across the parking lot, not like a real doctors office. And while I’m being specific, the “doctor” I mentioned probably isn’t a “real” doctor, but just a licensed chiropractor.

Anyway, I’m sitting on the table, the guy is asking if I had a history of this, a history of that, ever had this kind of surgery, and so on. Normal questions for a physical.

While he is performing the inquiry, he hands me one of those small paper Dixie cups. You know the kind, they have floral patterns or whatever, and are generally sold for people to use to rinse after a good tooth brushing.

So he hands me the cup and doesn’t say why, just keeps asking questions. I’m sitting there holding a Dixie cup, answering his questions.

He looks at the cup and tells me to go into the bathroom and fill it up, then leave it by the sink.

My first thought was to fill it up from the sink. It didn’t even occur to me that he wanted it filled up with piss. It’s a Dixie cup.

I actually asked the guy “Fill it up with what?”

“Urine,” he replied, “I need to check for blood and diabetes.”

Very well, I’ll go piss into a Dixie cup.

I head back to the bathroom, which is just a bathroom, the only one in the office. It’s WAY in the back, in a small utility room, right next to the coffee urn and the time clock.

I fill the cup halfway, leave it on the vanity, and head out. I had locked the door behind me, specifically because on my way into the bathroom I barged in on some lady in there washing her hands after doing whatever it is that caused her to need to wash her hands.

The lock was an independent deadbolt type ordeal above the knob, but apparently it was somehow linked to the knob itself. With the lock engaged, I wasn’t able to turn the knob. The deadbolt had three positions, which was odd, and I finally found the right position that let me turn the knob and exit. The door opens outward towards the utility room, and the “doctor” is standing right behind it. He jokingly asks if I often get trapped in bathrooms.

Good joke douchebag.

So I head back to the exam room/massage parlor and wait for the guy to come back. Not even a minute later, he is back saying that the sample was alright.

Did he gargle with it? What the hell kind of machine analyzes piss in 30 seconds?

He signs my paperwork and bids me a good day.

He also said it was good to meet me. Little does he know that we met two years ago when I first went to him.

So that’s my story about getting a DOT physical at a massage joint.

And there was no happy ending.

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3 responses

9 04 2008
Joe Drinker

Hehe…maybe some sort of paper-strip test, like testing for pool chemicals? Beats me what he could do in thirty seconds. Maybe he just poured it out and listened for the gravelly sounds in the sink.

9 04 2008
MRoDT

That’s what I figured. The pouring down the sink part, I mean. It might be a test to check for drugs. If I refuse to piss in the cup for some weird reason, he might have to report it to the DOT

25 05 2009
Ben

I know for fact that they have a little strip that they dip in the urine to tell if you have diabetes, low iron, and all kinds of stuff. I’ve actually seen the doctors use one before.

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